How Can That Be?

The alarm goes off at 06.00 again. This is because we are doing something very silly today. L seems petrified; oddly I’m not nervous. Doggo's excited, wa-hey a day out. We put the bikes on the roof, the dog in the boot and the rest of the kit on the back seat. Then we head off to Clumber Park.

When we arrive L still looks worried. I'm still quite calm. Doggo is quivering with anticipation, he's really up for it. It's going to be such a disappointment to him when he realises he's got to stay in the car.

We head off to queue for registration with all the psychos and a large swan. Turns out that the large swan isn't competing, it's not happy about there not being a swim. It is just checking out these mad men and women.

At 09.10 I am stood on the start line and I’m still not nervous. How weird. Must be denial. I look across at L, who isn't looking my way. The look on her face is either that of a very focussed athlete or a very nervous one. We start and off we go on the 5k run. I try and force myself to take it steady knowing there is the bike ride to come next. As the pace settles down I tuck in behind three other guys, one of them strikes a remarkable resemblance to the chap in the 'View From The Back' article that L sent me. So I certainly won't be letting him beat me.

The leaders are still in sight, albeit up the road, so we must be doing ok. Our group becomes three as our 'hot' pace causes one guy to get dropped. All in all the run goes remarkably well. So much so that with a quarter of the distance to go I feel so good that move to the front of our mini group. With a blinding acceleration of pace (ha ha) I leave the other two behind and pull away. 21.10 for 5K, just under seven minute mile pace, not bad.

I move into transition and on to my bike. I take longer than I would have liked when in my rush I get the tongue of cycle shoe trapped inside. Once sorted, having wasted vital seconds, it's away onto the bike course. I power away and get nowhere fast, as I'm cycling head first into the wind. It didn't mention that on the course plan. Because of the head wind, the first part is tough although I immediately gain a place but then almost as quickly lose it to someone else, all in the first kilometre.

The 20k bike route is a four-sided square and as we make the first turn the wind goes and the course is mainly downhill. The bad news of course is that what goes down must come back up. We turn again and now the wind is behind us and I’m flying along but still I lose another place. How can that be? Finally I catch someone and pass them but that still means there's no change in my overall position. The road is a bit dangerous as there are lots of potholes. I pass a chap stood at the side of the road with his bike; perhaps he's caught one. On to the final section and now it’s the predicted up hill bit and it’s hard work. There's not much life left in my legs. The Classic distance male psychos, who had done a 10k run first, albeit with a ten-minute head start, are now coming past me. How can that be? I could never be that fast on run or bike. I catch one of them back up; a hollow victory, he’s taking it that easy he must be retiring.

Round the final turn and now it’s against the wind again as we head back to transition. My target is to get to transition before any Classic distance female psychos; they only had five-minute head start but they have also ran 10K, come past me. Two girls do come past me but, horror of horrors, they are in my event. How can that be? I can't hang on to the first one but the second one looks pretty appealing from the rear which is just the incentive I need to tail her. Focusing on a certain part of her anatomy gets me through the last kilometre. We even catch a chap on a mountain bike. Blimey. How can that be? How the hell has he managed to stay ahead of me on that? He must have had a very good run or he's cheated. The 'nice rear' sails past him but I decide to stay behind him but it’s further to go that I thought, so eventually I go past him as well. Then suddenly transition is upon me. In my haste to stay ahead I nearly lose it at the dismount line. The marshal shouts "Go easy, it’s slippery" after I’ve completed my impressive slide. The MTB chap hops off his bike and sprints past me on the run in to transition. 40.48 for 20K, not bad but clearly not good enough.

The final run is tough and it’s more plod than run. Thankfully it’s only 2.5K. MTB man has gone, long gone, I know I have no hope of catching him but I soon catch the girl with the rear. I tuck in behind, thinking I’ll let the view carry me through the run as well. I hatch a dastardly plan to pass her on the downhill after the half way turn. Unfortunately she’s running slower than I thought and her bottom which looked so impressive on the bike is now wobbling around that much it’s making me queasy. So I simply have to push on past her.

After the turn at the half way point I catch up on the other girl who went past me on the bike. Revenge, I think, will be mine but she’s moving just a little too quick for me. I’m almost right behind her as we approach the line but I’m not sure if I have a sprint left in me. At this point I'm willing to let her go and have her moment of glory. I trail in a mere four seconds adrift. 4.16 for 2.5K, which is actually a fraction faster than my first run.

The girl with the view comes in a huge forty seconds behind me. Hah, serves her right for overtaking me. A chap in yellow follows her in and shakes me by the hand. I don’t remember seeing him at all, if I've been racing him I obviously haven't noticed. If he'd been female or on a MTB I'm sure I would have done but hopefully he’s been busting a gut to catch me for the last hour and quarter. 01:15:24 for the whole event. 26th overall. I've got to be pleased with that. I'm less than pleased with the horrible t-shirt which is a mock up of the Coca-cola logo. 01:15:24 and you give me that?

After a drink of water I stagger, and it is a stagger, to the car, which is inconveniently uphill, to fetch Doggo. Who is exceptionally pleased to see me. He must have heard how well I've done. We head back to see if we can see L. Luckily I can have him off lead because if he tugged me I'd fall over. Just as we come down the hill, L is racking her bike and she’s off on the run. Not bad for an unfit injured person. We go and wait by the finish. Doggo welcomes her in, in his usual frenzied style.

L comes in 67th in 01:42:17. We have coffee and somehow I manage a ball session with Doggo. I'm not so good at throwing sticks for him though, bending down is not possible.

There's no point in doing an event like this unless you get to take a female athlete home with you. Much better than a t-shirt, particularly a coca-cola one. Disappointingly I only get one offer, which is from L. Of course this is the offer I wanted, but it would have been nice to turn a few others down. So we head home and driving is not as painful as I expected. We indulge in a hot bath and then relax in bed with hot tea and double sex. Best to get the sex in before my body sets solid.

In the evening we get the bus over to Derby. Free entertainment is laid on for us on the bus. The warm-up act is a comedian wearing surgical latex gloves, for what purpose we were not sure. The main entertainment is a group of lads who entertain us with their coco the clown baggy jeans that keep falling down as they run to get off the bus. Hilarious.

We have some very good beer at Flowerpot. Snecklifter. Roosters. Jaipur. 5 pints in all. Then we return to Nottingham for a very good curry at the Savera. The Savera used to be one of our favourite Indians but it's declined. Tonight it is back on form, they have a new menu, with some new dishes. It's all excellent, although my starter is too big and fills me up. Although having lunch at 4pm was probably a bad idea, mind you without it I'd be even more drunk that I am. Anyhow I couldn't do my curry justice and ended up bringing most of the naan home for Doggo.

An interesting day.