How Not To Run A Dog Show

I get up early for a dog show today. Doggo appears keen but I'm not fooled; appearances can be deceptive. The show is run by a club called Dogs On Top, which conjures up interesting connotations, possibly.

I get there a little late because my event isn't first up but the first event only has 24 dogs in it, so it should be over in less than half an hour. However they start half an hour late, then take an age, then the timing system breaks. Everyone is slowly losing the will to live. I should have stayed in bed.

Two and a half hours after I've arrived, we finally get to do an event. Doggo's keenness seems to have worn off already, if that's what it was. We are eliminated in both our first two events. I know we haven't done any agility for a while but he simply isn't paying attention to me. My next dog will not have a nose then he won't be able to spend all day sniffing the ground. I tell L to nip to the dog's home and pick up a replacement.

The woman who bred Doggo is there and she keeps popping up out of nowhere and talking to me, when I least want her to. What's worse is she's running a Pug in the agility and at the moment they're doing better than us.

The organisation of the show, having started badly, goes downhill. They manage to put all the results for one event down against the wrong competitors, so they have to rerun all 90 dogs. Frankly this lot couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery, on second thought perhaps they could, they look like they can drink a bit.

Luckily they only have to rerun those dogs belonging to the owners who haven't yet gone home in disgust. To make matters worse it's now raining. L and Daughter have gone off to the cinema to see something romantic, I'm almost jealous.

A bad day gets worse as Derby lose 4-0 at Spurs. At least Malbranque scores two of the goals and therefore does the business for my fantasy team. Leeds score four against Southend. Although it was 1-1 with five minutes to go. Jammy gits.

At least Doggo and I manage to salvage something. He pays a little attention to me and we win a lump of cheap plastic for second place on the jumping course. Not terribly impressive because the standard is depressingly low. Just like the organisation.

I stick it out at the show despite the fact most people have gone home long ago and it's still raining. I also have a headache and a gash in my side from being attacked yesterday. I'm determined to get my moneys worth and get my last run in. Things are running so slowly though, that there's only one thing for it, that's to take over one of the disorganised rings and run it myself.

Once I get involved I gain a little sympathy for the people attempting to run the ring in such difficult circumstances. The final course was supposed to be a Power & Speed but has been reduced to a 'Speed' course because they haven't got enough agility equipment to set up the 'Power' bit. Then we discover that the list of entrants we have been given is for a show next week and not this show at all. Honestly they couldn't organize a shag in a Brothel but then if you saw the women who were doing the disorganising, you wouldn't want them to.

We do the 'Speed' event and bearing in mind that Doggo doesn't do 'speed' at the best of times, we both deserve credit for achieving 5th place, particularly as the rain was almost torrential at the time.

The woman who is 'in charge' of the ring has brought three dogs with her and she's had to talk her husband in to coming with her to keep the dogs company. She says he hates dogs, dog shows and her. Makes you wonder why he married her. They've been here since 8am, it's now nearly 6pm. So he deserves a long service medal for a stint like that or as she suggests he'll probably want sex from her as compensation when they get home. That's probably the least he deserves; perhaps she should get that Brothel organised.

The powers that be would like agility to be taken seriously and classified as a sport. On days like this they're clearly having a laugh. Possibly the worst event I've ever been to.

Get home and badly need alcohol, despite the fact that I really had enough last night. L and I go to a beer festival at a local pub, which turns out to be surprisingly good. Ptarmigan, St Austell Tribute, Mordue IPA 5.1%. A very good selection.

Neither of us fancy cooking so we go for a curry. Channa Puri. Chicken Tawaa, veg rice, Keema naan and a Stella. Good stuff.