Juggernaut

Dog show today but I've not got to be up too early as it's very local. Even get a slight lie-in but the late night last night prevents me taking advantage of it. Although looking at the state of L, she looks shattered, I'm not sure she would have noticed had I done so.

The dog show does not go well. Doggo is still not weaving reliably and out of five events we do not get any clear rounds. On the one course where he does get his weaves right, I make a mistake and he misses a jump. It's encouraging though, particularly as the course was such a tough one.

My brother turns up and Doggo has a good growl at him. He's never forgotten being growled at by my brother when he was a pup.

L is at church, watching the most expensive wedding every staged, at least among those that haven't been sponsored by Hello Magazine. Well even Hello might be interested because of all the shenanigans that have gone on. Such is the unstoppable nature of this wedding and the trail of cash it is sweeping along with it we have christened it the Juggernaut Wedding. I have my doubts about whether the groom is quite as enamoured with it all as the bride is but L assures me that he did turn up.

After a hard, hot day at the dog show and I have the sunburn to prove it, I get home but don't have time for any relaxation with L. Let alone anything more strenuous and gratifying because we need to head off to the evening session of the Juggernaut. I even posh up a touch, although I've left my shoes at work and have to wear a cheapo pair that I don't really like. I hope no one will notice, hopefully they'll be too busy looking at my sunburn to notice my feet. L looks great in her new dress and I even discover that she's slipped a pair of very sexy French knickers on underneath. Very gropeable.

The evening reception is taking place over in Southwell and we walk into Nottingham and get the bus over. Except that the bus driver doesn't know where the place that the reception is in is, despite the fact it's a huge stately home type place. Eventually we find it or at least we hope we have, although we have a huge walk down this amazingly long driveway. Hope we're in the right place.

As we get near a big house L spots one of the bridesmaids in the gardens with a chap and recognises the dress, so we are in the right place.

The last bus home to Nottingham is at 10.10, so we reckon we'd need to leave at 9.30 to catch it, such is the walk back. Luckily they have laid their own late bus on, at midnight, bless them, so we decide to stay and party, otherwise we'd only be able to stay for about 90 minutes.

We have a glass of champagne and then we try and buy some wine but there is so much left from the meal that it is all being given away free. Hard to believe that there is any left, judging by the inebriated state of some of the guests.

We get talking to another of the bridesmaids, who is the bride's sister, and she is very keen to dish the dirt on the other bridesmaids. She starts telling us about the one who has been having a fling with a chap who works with her sister. I assume this is the same one that L had told me had been caught on video, consummating her affair. The bride was going to turn it in to her boss but it appears she hasn't and it all appears even more complicated than we thought it was. She tries to point out the errant bridesmaid to us but she can't be found. So I assume this must be the one who has retired to the gardens. I wonder who she was with. Was it her husband, her lover, or someone else?

I was just trying to think of how to ask our source if she knew about the video footage and whether she could email me a copy when she got called away. Damn.

Double damn because the bride's sister was very easy on the eye, particularly compared with the other bridesmaids, who are quite a scary bunch. I don't think L noticed that I'd noticed what a nice chest she had. L was too busy feeling smug because the bride's sister kept telling her how young she looked. When L got complimented on how good she looked, I almost mentioned the French knickers but thought better of it.

From the moment we'd arrived, I'd been keen to offer L a tour of the more remote parts of the gardens and all this talk of illicit affairs wasn't cooling my ardour any. Never got chance though, because people kept coming up to talk to us and the bar staff kept bringing us more bottles of free wine.

Having thought that the bridesmaid's affair could spice up the wedding, we weren't prepared for something else to kick off. Another woman suddenly walks up to her partner and starts hitting him over the head with her stiletto heels. Sharp side downwards. Ouch. He was obviously used to it and just carried on drinking at the bar as people pulled her away.

The evening buffet was in fact bacon butties, which was quite unique and good to soak up the wine. I restrict myself to a mere five.

We get a bop at the end of the night but the DJ doesn't play any of the records we were asked to select for the evening. In fact he hardly plays anything modern which is odd as there are a lot of 'young' people there.

When it finishes I get a good night kiss from no end of women I barely know, if at all and most of them are over sixty. I did get a brief kiss from the bride's sister though, although I had to shake the hand of her minder too. She must know that she's attractive because she's brought her own security with her, her boyfriend being a rather large rugby player. Obviously she enjoys a good scrum.

We get the late bus home, along with the bride and groom, who are travelling in style and also the weird stiletto wielding women, who is covered in blood and her man, who strangely isn't. Although he seems to prefer it when he's on the top deck and she's on the lower. Safer that way. The bus driver even drops us close to home. A good and entertaining night out.